I am Afro-Latina, aromantic, bisexual & married to a man, AND I grew up in a cult (with Alesia!)

What Are You? Alesia
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[00:00:00] How usually do that?[00:00:10] 

[00:00:14] I'm Angelisa, and this is what argue the podcast about identity, where we are creating [00:00:20] space to have honest conversations, celebrating all that we are.

[00:00:25] Angeleaza: Today. I have another very, very, very special guest, [00:00:30] Alesia is on the podcast. Hello, Alesia.

[00:00:33] Alesia: Hi. I am so excited to be here. Thank you so much for having me on

[00:00:37] Angeleaza: Thank you so much for being here. I'm so [00:00:40] excited to speak with you. So Alesia and I know each other because we are both members of a group called the Feminist Podcasters Collective. [00:00:50] And Alesia, I saw you in a webinar event before I was a member of the FPC. I thought you were so [00:01:00] interesting. Everything you had to say was so insightful. So I'm so excited to talk to you today. Tell us a little bit about who you are and [00:01:10] where you come from.

[00:01:11] Alesia: Yeah, so I'm Alesia. I am a podcast strategist and producer. I run a full service at the time of this recording, run a full [00:01:20] service podcast management agency that I am in the process of dissolving, which is a

[00:01:25] Alesia: whole thing in and of itself. Uh, just I want more spaciousness in [00:01:30] my life and

[00:01:31] Alesia: 10 to 20 clients is not creating spaciousness in my life.

[00:01:34] Alesia: So

[00:01:35] Alesia: let's dissolve it, get rid of the clients, and just move to two [00:01:40] that I can handle myself and like have more room to just do things. So yeah, that's a bit about me.

[00:01:46] Angeleaza: Wow. Wow. Big announcement on the pod. [00:01:50] Wow. Well, congratulations. And that's so amazing that you're taking these steps to find that spaciousness, really identifying that need and, [00:02:00] applying it in an effective way. But yeah, I'm sure that's a ton of work. Wow. Can't imagine. How long did it take you to build that [00:02:10] portfolio of 10 to 20 clients?

[00:02:13] Alesia: Yeah, so I started my business in 2020 after being let go. I worked in manufacturing and supply [00:02:20] chain, so like processes and SOPs are my jam. And I had been podcasting for years before that, just like side hustle stuff and doing marketing. And I have a degree in [00:02:30] marketing, but I was like, I could think I could do this for other people. Let's see.

[00:02:34] Alesia: And so I reached out to the network that I had kind of acquired over the years, uh, between [00:02:40] like mommy groups and entrepreneur groups and things like that. And found my first client who's actually with me to this day, which is so strange to me, but [00:02:50] I love, I love her to pieces. Um, and so yeah, that's where it started and then it kind of just progressed from there.

[00:02:56] Alesia: Within a year I was like, I need help. So I hired my [00:03:00] first team member and then in the second year I hired my second one. And so they've been with me this whole time.

[00:03:05] Angeleaza: That's incredible. Good for you. I also love [00:03:10] SOPs, uh, workflows, uh, uh, be still my heart. I could nerd out forever, but that's not the point of this [00:03:20] podcast.

[00:03:20] Angeleaza: Alesia, I'm going to ask you the question I ask every guest who comes on this podcast, what are you? 

[00:03:28] Alesia: This is [00:03:30] so hard. Like as we were talking beforehand, you know, I'm like this idea of the, what are you question that as someone who [00:03:40] can be racially ambiguous, who is Afro-Latina, but you know, um, with a range of siblings who are half siblings, [00:03:50] where I don't have any actual full siblings. And so like, what are you, and then becoming a mom, what are you, you're a mom. Like what are you, oh, your [00:04:00] husband's a stay at home dad, you're the breadwinner. Like, like so many identities that we give ourselves.

[00:04:06] Alesia: We can definitely dive into all of those things, but primary focus of [00:04:10] one that I don't think I get to talk about enough is being aromantic and bisexual while married to a man. 

[00:04:19] Angeleaza: [00:04:20] I love that. Thank you. Now let's talk about it. Before we get into how that [00:04:30] impacts you and your identity within it, let's do some education. Do you mind defining what [00:04:40] aromantic is? 

[00:04:41] Alesia: Yeah, so romantic is a spectrum, right? You have, uh, anything from aromantic all the way to hyper isn't right the [00:04:50] right word, but like if you think on the other end and then in the middle you have demi romantic where you maybe have to get to know somebody to feel romantic feelings [00:05:00] for them, um, or, you know, people who just love, love and fall in love and they can fall in love with anybody. And like, that's the other spectrum, aromantic. And it, [00:05:10] I think some of the problems maybe when it comes to like defining this, uh, between sexuality and romanticism or being aromantic is that [00:05:20] so individual. Like our sexuality is so extremely individual that there is no, like one size fits all to [00:05:30] be like, okay, I am bisexual.

[00:05:31] Alesia: Everyone knows what that means, but I could also be bisexual and kind of demisexual, like maybe [00:05:40] I need to get to know somebody before I, uh, feel sexual attraction to them. So like, there's, there's so many different facets to this and everyone

[00:05:48] Alesia: gets to define it for themselves, [00:05:50] but how I define it for myself when it comes to aromantic, I do not feel lovey-dovey feelings towards other people.

[00:05:59] Alesia: I [00:06:00] love, love. I read tons of romance. I love the idea of love, but I do not, and at least as far as I can remember, have not ever [00:06:10] felt romantic love.

[00:06:13] Alesia: And I always thought that it was like, okay, maybe I'm a little on the tsm, and so maybe that has to [00:06:20] do with it where I just, my brain processes feelings just a little differently.

[00:06:24] Alesia: Um, and so I don't know if that has anything to do with it. I'm not a psychologist. I don't play one on tv, but 

[00:06:29] Angeleaza: [00:06:30] either.

[00:06:31] Alesia: that's what, uh, that's how I define aromanticism. Just not really feeling those romantic feelings, those lovey-dovey feelings, [00:06:40] um, towards other people. It's very interesting.

[00:06:43] Angeleaza: Yes. That is. Wow. So what would you define as [00:06:50] romantic feelings, I guess? So not necessarily romance and the action, but the feeling itself, the emotion [00:07:00] itself.

[00:07:00] Alesia: I think, and maybe this is part of like what society shows us on tv, right?

[00:07:05] Alesia: Or at least what other people have expressed to me of when you look at [00:07:10] someone and there's that like sigh of happiness, of like, that's my person, right? Like, I don't exactly feel that. [00:07:20] Um, I, I love my husband and I'm attracted to him, uh, and I would not wanna do life with anyone else [00:07:30] at all.

[00:07:31] Alesia: And I don't have, like, I have to work a little harder to be like, oh, we should do something [00:07:40] romantic. Oh, we should, like, my brain doesn't autopilot to, let's go on dates to spend time together. Like, I'm fine

[00:07:46] Alesia: not doing that. Like I'm fine just being [00:07:50] with the other person. And I find comfort in that. We don't have to be doing anything like romantic or picnics or like, I don't really need all [00:08:00] that.

[00:08:00] Angeleaza: Yeah. No, that makes sense to me. I think that's a really good way of defining it. I know defining emotions is [00:08:10] always hard because is our idea of an emotion based on what is presented to us, like you said, via the media, or is it based [00:08:20] on an experience that we've seen other people have, but how do we know what's actually going on within?

[00:08:27] Angeleaza: Yeah, I understand. [00:08:30] But that makes sense the way you described it, that sigh of happy, this is my person. When was the first time you were able [00:08:40] to define that you were aromantic? 

[00:08:45] Alesia: I would say it was actually after I had a conversation with someone [00:08:50] about sexuality and like the spectrum of sexuality and the spectrum of, aromantic through, uh, the opposite of that. 

[00:08:59] Alesia: And like the word [00:09:00] is alluding me, there is a word for it and I apologize. Um.

[00:09:03] Angeleaza: No, it's okay.

[00:09:04] Alesia: And so I'd had a conversation with, uh, this individual for my podcast. We read [00:09:10] smut, and it was all about like romance and like s muddy romance and like, let's talk about it.

[00:09:16] Alesia: But also talking about the, the spectrum of sexuality that we do see in romance, [00:09:20] which is very interesting to me as well. And when they started talking about a being aromantic and what that spectrum looks like, I was like, [00:09:30] oh no, I'm definitely on that side. Like I'm def I definitely don't, I don't feel those feelings. It's interesting that I'm like that [00:09:40] romantic e feelings that, that they went on to express. I was like, yeah, no, that's, that's not me. So I kind of explored that afterwards and thought about it and, and the more that [00:09:50] I explored it, I was like, yeah, I identify it with that.

[00:09:53] Alesia: But it wasn't like a, oh my goodness, this changes everything. Like it didn. Right. It didn't feel like [00:10:00] that. Um, not like being bisexual. It was like, oh, this changes everything. Right?

[00:10:04] Alesia: That's completely different. This changes everything. Whereas being aromantic, it's like, okay, [00:10:10] understand. Then I kind of have to work a little harder to say, okay, how does my partner want to give and receive love? 

[00:10:16] Alesia: Um, how do I want to give and receive love? [00:10:20] How can I make sure that I show up well for what my partner needs, or even the people around me need to express my love instead of just being [00:10:30] like, well, it's just how I am. Right? Like, I don't wanna do that because I want to support my partner.

[00:10:35] Angeleaza: Right. Of course. Of course. Were you already with your husband at the time [00:10:40] you had this light realization through this conversation?

[00:10:45] Alesia: Yes. So we have been married, it's, we're going on 10 years.

[00:10:49] Alesia: [00:10:50] I had had this conversation, I wanna say it was end of 2024

[00:10:54] Alesia: so two years ago-ish, when I had

[00:10:57] Alesia: had this conversation and I was like, [00:11:00] oh, okay, this makes way more sense. And then I was able to express that to my partner of like, I think this is how I'm feeling and I think this is where I am on the spectrum. It was kinda like a [00:11:10] one-off conversation where it wasn't like, oh, we have to keep talking about it, or I have to keep working on it. It was like interesting. All right. Moving on.

[00:11:19] Angeleaza: [00:11:20] Yeah. Yeah. No, that makes sense. Had these feelings of, I dunno if this is a word, but I'm gonna say it. Had these feelings of aromanticism [00:11:30] impacted your relationship or maybe previous relationships in any way positively or negatively?

[00:11:37] Alesia: I don't think so. And I think it's [00:11:40] because, on the sexual side 'cause there's two spectrums of sexuality, right?

[00:11:45] Alesia: There's the attraction, sexual attraction, and then, [00:11:50] um, your interest in sex as the other kind of spectrum. And so there's asexual through hyper, the hyper iss not the word, [00:12:00] but the hypersexual.

[00:12:02] Alesia: Right. And I would say like teens, early twenties, I was, I'm the hyper, right? And so [00:12:10] romance was never like. The thing I wanted or needed,

[00:12:14] Alesia: I wanted that physical intimacy and ended up getting with my husband [00:12:20] when I was 21. And so it was, it was like fairly early on in that relationship. And I think that, you know, as [00:12:30] having kids and hormones changed, then I have to kind of figure out where I am now.

[00:12:34] Alesia: It's, it's a little different, how I feel. But yeah, it never really [00:12:40] impacted the romance side. It didn't really impact things. And like he would plan dates and I'd be like, sure let's go. But I didn't need like big gazebo [00:12:50] moments. I'm perfectly happy just not being out with anybody.

[00:12:55] Angeleaza: That's interesting. I'm similar in that I don't need [00:13:00] any stuff, you know, I don't need those big gazebo moments, but I do like them and I do appreciate them when [00:13:10] they happen, but it's not what I need. But I've always just attributed that to just being like, I just need you, the person, my [00:13:20] partner.

[00:13:20] Angeleaza: So is the difference between the way you perceive those big gazebo moments and the way I do is that [00:13:30] you don't want them or you don't care?

[00:13:37] Alesia: I don't care for any of it.

[00:13:39] Angeleaza: [00:13:40] Okay.

[00:13:40] Alesia: I don't need flowers. I don't need the " Hey babe, we're gonna go out", or, "Hey

[00:13:46] Alesia: babe, I was thinking about you today." My brain is so [00:13:50] like hyperfocused on what I'm doing, 

[00:13:53] Alesia: but in the moment that I'm just like, okay, I need to rewire for a second.

[00:13:58] Alesia: So like, usually it'll take me a [00:14:00] couple seconds to like respond when my husband says something that's like, Hey, that's not sexual, right? Like, if I know when it's sexual, [00:14:10] I'm like, okay, I see what you're doing here, gimme a second. Like, I need like five minutes, right? Like,

[00:14:14] Angeleaza: Yeah. 

[00:14:15] Alesia: uh, but if it's just like romancey, I have to be like almost fix my [00:14:20] face, which, 

[00:14:22] Angeleaza: Okay.

[00:14:23] Alesia: where I'm like thinking maybe the 'tism has a little bit to do with that. 

[00:14:28] Angeleaza: I mean, I'm not a psychologist. I don't [00:14:30] know. I don't know.

[00:14:31] Alesia: But it, it takes me a minute to be like. Okay, we got this.

[00:14:37] Angeleaza: wow. [00:14:40] Now, you said earlier, just in terms of the sexual spectrum, you did find that you were more on the [00:14:50] hyper physical end. Does this feed into your aromanticism at all? Do you like [00:15:00] public displays of affection, PDA, or are you like, no, that's not for me. How does that work?

[00:15:07] Alesia: Yeah, that's interesting. So [00:15:10] I, I don't mind PDA to an extent. Right. When I lived in New York City, I was dating this calvin Klein [00:15:20] underwear model.

[00:15:20] Angeleaza: Oh my God. What? What a flex.

[00:15:24] Alesia: Right.

[00:15:25] Angeleaza: Oh my God.

[00:15:26] Alesia: He was Dominican and he was beautiful, I was dating [00:15:30] him and we were in the subway and I was like getting a little snuggly and he just looked at me like, the fuck, what are you doing? And so [00:15:40] that was a big moment in my brain of like, oh, not everyone likes public displays. And so since that moment I was kind of like, I don't know, just one of those things that [00:15:50] defined it in my young adulthood.

[00:15:52] Alesia: Like since then, I felt a little uncomfortable initiating public displays of affection. 'cause I'm not sure how it's gonna be [00:16:00] responded to. Now. I know my husband, he will be happy with any displays of affection and so I have to like mentally, okay, we're gonna show some displays of affection [00:16:10] today. Right. But I don't mind them at all. Um, I think it's fine. I mean, don't like put your tongue in my mouth in public, but [00:16:20] I like a little bit of like sneaking around, like with my husband was like, okay, we're gonna, we're gonna go in the car,

[00:16:27] Angeleaza: Hmm.

[00:16:28] Alesia: Some stuff right? Like that kind. I [00:16:30] like the semi-public sexual stuff, but other than that, it's like, meh, take it or leave it.

[00:16:38] Angeleaza: Interesting. [00:16:40] Okay. Wow, that is so fascinating. 

[00:16:44] 

[00:16:50] Angeleaza: Now let's shift a little into the other piece of sexuality, which is your sexual [00:17:00] identity. So you are bisexual, you are married to a man. Were you aware? Did you have your "aha! I am [00:17:10] Bisexual" moment prior to meeting your husband or after meeting your husband?

[00:17:15] Alesia: Prior to, and actually the mutual friend [00:17:20] that connected us, she was friends with him first, and then I became friends with her and that's how I met him, I hooked up with her too. [00:17:30] So like,

[00:17:31] Angeleaza: Love it.

[00:17:32] Alesia: yes, all good 

[00:17:34] Angeleaza: plot.

[00:17:35] Alesia: The plot thickens.

[00:17:37] Angeleaza: Yes, I love, okay.

[00:17:39] Alesia: Yeah. [00:17:40] So I knew beforehand that was, I would say at the time that I noticed was I lived in Arizona for a summer when I was 18 [00:17:50] and I worked at Sears. Do they even have Sears anymore? I don't

[00:17:55] Angeleaza: I don't know. I just got my engagement photos taken at a [00:18:00] JC Penny, the other, and they are,

[00:18:02] Alesia: Are they like the classic ones? Yay. I love it.

[00:18:06] Angeleaza: It was so much fun. It was like 15 minutes [00:18:10] of pure insanity. We brought our cat.

[00:18:12] Alesia: Oh my God.

[00:18:13] Angeleaza: So yeah, before we did that, we weren't sure if there were JC Penneys [00:18:20] anymore. We looked it up. We found there are a few.

[00:18:23] Angeleaza: But as we walked up, we were hit by signs that said, store closing. So, I dunno [00:18:30] what's going on with the JC Penneys is in the Sears of the world right now, but Arizona working at a Sears,

[00:18:37] Alesia: I worked at a Sears [00:18:40] and I worked with this one person. She was so chill, so like cool. And I grew up in a cult. Like we were in a cult from the time I was 11 to, [00:18:50] minus the summer that we spent in Arizona, we were there for 10 years.

[00:18:55] Angeleaza: Hold up,

[00:18:56] Alesia: yeah.

[00:18:58] Angeleaza: pause on that for [00:19:00] a second. Like a legitimate cult.

[00:19:03] Alesia: It was a women's program that was supposed to help women get clean. It was one of the very few programs that allowed women to bring their kids. [00:19:10] So my mom was an addict for the majority of her life, and she brought us there. I'm the oldest of five kids. I was 11. We went there and I was like, this is great. [00:19:20] Mom's clean. We have food, we have clothes, we're safe, everything's good.

[00:19:26] Alesia: And then 10 years went by, right? So it was like, it was [00:19:30] meant to empower women to be able to step out into the world. What it ended up turning into, and I've done lots of exploring this, um, was [00:19:40] that it was, we know the way, and you don't, you've made all these mistakes thus far. You're not going to make better choices. We can make the choices for [00:19:50] you. And so there was this safety, this comfort in staying there and staying clean and staying protected. And I didn't even see a problem with it [00:20:00] until I was like, oh, I wanna go to college. And they were like, oh no, you're going to the college that's associated with us.

[00:20:06] Alesia: And I was like. Excuse me. Um, [00:20:10] what? And so I did, I did go to that college, and then we spent one summer in Arizona with some relatives. And then I went back to the college, did my internship in New York City, which is when I [00:20:20] was dating the underwear model, even though I probably wasn't supposed to be because it was a Bible college. Um, and then left

[00:20:27] Alesia: there after they found out that I'd been hooking [00:20:30] up with the underwear model. And so,

[00:20:33] Angeleaza: Wow.

[00:20:33] Alesia: yes,

[00:20:35] Angeleaza: Oh my gosh. Okay. So you were in [00:20:40] this, you were in this cult. When you were in this cult, were you going to in person school or were you homeschooled? Okay.

[00:20:47] Alesia: Were homeschooled through the program. It was maybe [00:20:50] 150 people max at a time. I mean, they had a kitchen, they had housing, like you lived there, you slept there, you ate there, you went to church there. [00:21:00] We went to church. Three times on Sunday and then again on

[00:21:04] Angeleaza: times on Sunday.

[00:21:06] Angeleaza: Every Sunday.

[00:21:07] Alesia: We did morning, afternoon, and evening [00:21:10] services.

[00:21:10] Angeleaza: my gosh.

[00:21:11] Alesia: We did all night prayer services multiple times a year. Uh, and then we also did church Tuesday night. Thursday night [00:21:20] youth services were Friday night.

[00:21:21] Angeleaza: Wait.

[00:21:23] Alesia: Yeah.

[00:21:23] Angeleaza: religion was this? 

[00:21:25] Alesia: Fundamentalist Christian?

[00:21:26] Angeleaza: Hmm. Okay. Is this like the [00:21:30] Jesus speaking or whatever that movie is, that documentary where everyone speaks in tongues 

[00:21:36] Alesia: Oh, there's definitely that. 

[00:21:37] Angeleaza: Oh, 

[00:21:37] Alesia: there was, 

[00:21:37] Angeleaza: camp.

[00:21:38] Alesia: Probably was, [00:21:40] but I haven't seen that documentary. 

[00:21:42] Angeleaza: So the cult, when you were there, it sounds like it, correct me if I'm wrong, it sounds like you lived on a compound of sorts. [00:21:50] Okay. Did you ever leave

[00:21:52] Alesia: We weren't allowed to like, it was like, oh, you know, maybe Friday night for youth service, we go to the mall and we hand out flyers or [00:22:00] little, like so fun for teens to be embarrassed. It was all about like being of the world, but not part of it. Like, there [00:22:10] was a lot of that language. Um, but yeah, we didn't leave much at all.

[00:22:15] Alesia: Anything I wanted to learn, I had to teach myself. So like, they had a Mavis Beacon program [00:22:20] and I learned to type.

[00:22:21] Angeleaza: Mavis Beacon low key lit. Like I loved her.

[00:22:25] 

[00:22:28] Angeleaza: Okay, so you were [00:22:30] in the cult, you got essentially kicked out of said Cult. You were working at Sears. Is that while you were still in the cult [00:22:40] or after

[00:22:41] Alesia: I was still in the cult at that point. I got kicked out of Bible college.

[00:22:46] Angeleaza: And this is New York Bible College.

[00:22:48] Alesia: Yes. Well, it's in [00:22:50] based in Pennsylvania, but I did my internship, like your third year is when you do an internship at one of their affiliated churches. And I worked at, um, mega church in New York City in their [00:23:00] accounting department.

[00:23:02] Alesia: Before I got kicked out, in between my first and second year at Bible College. My mom left the camp for the summer and then went [00:23:10] back because she wasn't empowered to actually do well. Right. So like, all this kind of ties to like that concept.

[00:23:18] Alesia: So I went there, [00:23:20] met this really cool chick, got my first tattoo. It was a secret, was like, I am living it up. This is awesome. And my cousin, who is a flaming [00:23:30] lesbian, was also there with us that summer. And so this kind of opened my eyes like, I can love whoever the hell I wanna love and I can be attracted to women. And I like guys, [00:23:40] they're pretty cool and stuff, but like girls are also super hot. Like, this is great. And so that was kind of like my aha moment. And then, once we [00:23:50] went back to the camp, I ended up staying in touch with that cousin. So like anytime we'd go up to Syracuse to visit family, 'cause that's where I was born, she'd be like, we're going to the gay bar, let's go.

[00:23:59] Alesia: [00:24:00] Right. So like, then I was like exposed to even more from there. That summer was my starting point of, oh, women are hot too. Cool. 

[00:24:08] Angeleaza: [00:24:10] Wow. Okay. Okay. And so how did that attraction continue to play out, I guess, up to meeting, marrying [00:24:20] your now husband, and then how does that continue to manifest itself? 

[00:24:25] Alesia: Yeah. I would say up to that point it was kind of just exploring my sexuality [00:24:30] again, being like hypersexual, just like I don't need that romantic feelings to want to have sex with someone. So I'm not demisexual, but like, let's go. [00:24:40] Sure. I just met you on, this was like online dating 2010. Right. Unsafe.

[00:24:46] Alesia: So like kind of just exploring things that way, having some [00:24:50] friends who were very fluid in their sexuality, or their sexual attraction, I should say. And then ended up meeting my now husband, Chris. [00:25:00] And then from there, I think what happened is I stopped calling myself bisexual. 

[00:25:09] Angeleaza: Hmm. 

[00:25:09] Alesia: I was [00:25:10] married to, a man. So it was almost like I couldn't claim, I'm using quotes here, I couldn't claim that identity, which I think that a lot of bisexual people who are married [00:25:20] to the opposite sex or in heterosexual relationships feel like they can't claim. And so I would say in the last few years I've had to kind of reclaim [00:25:30] that identity to say like, just 'cause I'm married to a man does not change my sexual attraction at all. Right.

[00:25:38] Alesia: And like I've told him, [00:25:40] blatantly, you die. I am not marrying another man. It's going to be a woman next time. And he is like, I know he, I [00:25:50] agree. I wouldn't be with a man either. Um, but like he knew that I was bisexual.

[00:25:56] Alesia: We're the couple that's like, did you see that chick's ass? [00:26:00] Mm-hmm. Yep. I saw it. Right. Like, like that's us.

[00:26:02] Angeleaza: Love. I love that for you.

[00:26:05] Alesia: yes.

[00:26:06] Angeleaza: Aw.

[00:26:07] Alesia: But yeah, it was just something that I think [00:26:10] in reading and reading by for by like where it was a heterosexual couple, the female main characters bisexual, the male main characters bisexual [00:26:20] and they're very open about that in the book.

[00:26:22] Alesia: But then seeing the almost erasure that happens when people are in heterosexual [00:26:30] relationships was really interesting to me and kind of made me be like, well, screw you guys. I'm gonna claim it even more now. Ha ha, take that. So that's kind of how it, it [00:26:40] evolved. 

[00:26:41] Angeleaza: That's interesting too that you said that in the past several years you've started to reclaim it. I have some friends [00:26:50] who are married to men or are in long term, secure relationships with men who in the past several years have come out as [00:27:00] bisexual and or have come out as non-binary or have come out as an undefined queer, like I'm not [00:27:10] fully straight, but I am so in love with my husband and I am happy with my husband and in this relationship with men.

[00:27:18] Angeleaza: Why do you think that [00:27:20] that happens more when women get into these long-term heterosexual relationships? More than getting into a [00:27:30] long term homosexual relationship?

[00:27:34] Angeleaza: By that same token, if you ended up marrying a woman, why wouldn't you see [00:27:40] someone then calling them lesbian versus bi oh, you must not be bi. You must be lesbian. 

[00:27:46] Alesia: Right. I don't know. I think that [00:27:50] what's interesting is that well, one, when you're in a long-term relationship with somebody, at least from what I've noticed in [00:28:00] maybe people who have come out as queer after being in long-term relationships, 'cause I've definitely seen the same thing, is that I noticed that [00:28:10] when they say they're coming out as

[00:28:13] Angeleaza: Hmm. yeah.

[00:28:14] Alesia: there's so much security in who they are that I think a [00:28:20] long-term relationship, no matter which side can really lend itself to. I have also seen pretty prominent [00:28:30] queer lesbian couples on social media where they're very open about one of them being bisexual. And then the comments that they get in that is [00:28:40] like, yeah, but you're with a woman so it doesn't count, quote unquote, or very similar to being bisexual in a heterosexual relationship.

[00:28:49] Alesia: Oh, well [00:28:50] you're with a guy. So it quote doesn't count.

[00:28:53] Alesia: And I think this is what I don't like 

[00:28:56] Angeleaza: yeah. No.

[00:28:57] Alesia: the, the kind of discussion and the way that it [00:29:00] goes. I think that long-term relationships lend themselves to make you feel more secure and comfortable in that. Whereas if you're maybe newly dating, you might feel inclined [00:29:10] to pick a lane when you maybe don't want to. 

[00:29:13] Angeleaza: Right. That makes sense. I mean people do define themselves [00:29:20] by their relationships, so I guess it makes sense for an uninformed, outside perspective to [00:29:30] identify somebody's identity by what they perceive their relationship to be or what they perceive it to look like.

[00:29:37] Angeleaza: But yeah, you're absolutely right; that does not mean [00:29:40] it's okay.

[00:29:41] Alesia: In working in manufacturing and working with a hundred and something dudes to five women at the plant that I worked in.

[00:29:48] Alesia: We would go to bars after [00:29:50] work, we would go to the strip club, we would go places and like I literally had my bachelorette party at a strip club, like, and all my coworkers were invited. Let's go. [00:30:00] Right? Like that's like.

[00:30:01] Alesia: But with that I had to be very careful because yes, I'm in this long-term relationship, and yes, I'm attracted to [00:30:10] women, but I never wanted my coworkers to see me and think, people in male bodies tend to see bisexual women as, oh well this is invitation [00:30:20] for a throuple, or this is an invitation for multiple partners, uh, to focus on me when like, that's not what being bisexual means.

[00:30:28] Alesia: It doesn't mean you're open [00:30:30] to a polyamorous relationship just 'cause you're interested in both sex. Like, no, I still am perfectly happy being with one person and like I had to be very clear about [00:30:40] that. And so I think that that could also be why people might be less inclined to say that they're bisexual too. 

[00:30:47] Angeleaza: That is interesting. Where do you think that comes from, [00:30:50] that correlation between being bisexual means that you're polyamorous or non-monogamous? 

[00:30:59] Alesia: [00:31:00] Yeah. I honestly think, I think media, porn, and I don't think all porn is bad, right? That's not where I'm going with this.

[00:31:07] Alesia: I'm seeing this a lot, I have a few clients that are in the [00:31:10] menopause space and they talk about reclaiming your pleasure. And like women that are in their fifties to sixties to seventies and the almost reframing that they've had to do that I don't [00:31:20] think people 40 and younger have had to do because we're a little more sexually liberated as women, I think. My mom was a sex worker before we went to [00:31:30] the cult. And like, so she was very open about sexuality and about sex and about safety and like all of those things and like protecting yourself as a woman.

[00:31:39] Alesia: So I feel I might [00:31:40] be a little more sexually liberated than maybe my counterparts that were at the cult, but I think that societally sex has always been this thing that is [00:31:50] very male focused, male pleasure focused, and almost putting men into a box. And maybe they throw themselves in the box. Who knows? [00:32:00] Right? Of the attention is, for me, sex is for me rather

[00:32:04] Alesia: than sex is for the partner or partners that you're with. And [00:32:10] anything polyamorous or anything that is outside of a man and a woman has to be a man and two women. It can't be two men who are attracted to each other, who are [00:32:20] boyfriends, and then also have a woman, right?

[00:32:21] Alesia: So I think there's so much societally that pushes us towards this idea that I hope we don't see with our kids, that they [00:32:30] can be even more sexually liberated to love whoever the heck they wanna love. 

[00:32:34] Angeleaza: Yeah. I mean, I do identify as [00:32:40] straight. However, I have been in queer spaces my entire life growing up and dancing, singing, doing musical theater. It's [00:32:50] one of the gayest spaces there is. I have seen there kind of be a perception shift over the course of my [00:33:00] several decades on this earth.

[00:33:02] Angeleaza: When I was in middle school and high school, in the 2000- 2010 era, the [00:33:10] perception that people especially women who said that they were bi were just saying so to have an excuse to be quote [00:33:20] unquote slutty or promiscuous was very loud. And then also the perception that guys who identified [00:33:30] as BI were just saying so because they weren't comfortable with their queer sexuality yet that was also very loud.

[00:33:39] Angeleaza: I [00:33:40] feel like over the past, 15 years though, that perception has shifted to being a little more nuanced, [00:33:50] definitely a lot more open, definitely a lot more accepting. So I don't know. That's my observation. What would you say [00:34:00] you've observed, do you think we're on that path to, towards acceptance of the intricacies of sexuality?

[00:34:09] Alesia: [00:34:10] Yeah, I think that media wise, I don't think we are headed in that direction.

[00:34:16] Alesia: Um, you look at, and I haven't watched it and don't [00:34:20] kill me for it, heated rivalry, right? 

[00:34:22] Angeleaza: watched it either. 

[00:34:24] Alesia: I don't, my, my book is Girl Days are like, um, excuse me, how dare you? Um, I tend not to [00:34:30] read. Hmm. And this is where nuance I think comes in.

[00:34:33] Alesia: I don't tend to read. Gay romance. So two Men romance that is written by [00:34:40] white women.

[00:34:41] Angeleaza: Okay. 

[00:34:42] Alesia: Because broad strokes here, um, it tends to be hypersexualized and not a [00:34:50] true representation of what gay romances actually are in the real world. And I would prefer to read own voices. And so I tend to read gay romance written by queer [00:35:00] men who are, uh, bipoc, right?

[00:35:03] Alesia: I want their experience. I wanna hear, read their stories, I wanna see them fall in love. 

[00:35:07] Angeleaza: You don't wanna read gay romance written by [00:35:10] white women. What about written by a woman of color? Is there a difference with that

[00:35:16] Alesia: I don't think I have even seen one.

[00:35:19] Angeleaza: Sure. [00:35:20] Great. Probably not. Yeah.

[00:35:21] Alesia: Most queer women who are bipoc are writing queer, lesbian stories or queer polyamorous [00:35:30] stories. They're not, and I think this is something that the bi like people who are part of the Bipoc community feel so strongly about, is that we have such unique [00:35:40] experiences that when we're telling stories, we're telling our stories and our experiences because they are so [00:35:50] less prevalent because they get misrepresented.

[00:35:53] Alesia: And so I don't tend to see queer bipoc women writing gay romance. And if they do, [00:36:00] it's polyamorous And they've done lots of discussions with queer men to get there. 

[00:36:05] Angeleaza: Yeah. Okay. Fair, fair, fair. Okay. Anyway, so you were [00:36:10] saying the overall media 

[00:36:11] Alesia: Yeah, I don't think the overall media representation is headed in the right direction. We saw that with one of the leads from a heated rivalry. He has a [00:36:20] girlfriend and people lost their minds. And I'm like, sexuality is nuance and no one owes you their sexuality or an explanation for [00:36:30] what they are.

[00:36:30] Alesia: No one owes you that. And so, um, and then when Pedro Pascal's boyfriend showed up, apparently, allegedly, who knows? Um, people were like, [00:36:40] oh, who's gonna tell the women? We all knew that he was queer. I don't know why. This is like a big surprise.

[00:36:45] Alesia: So I think main media wise, I don't know that we're headed in the right direction just [00:36:50] yet, but I feel like we're having such incredible conversations in smaller groups and as a collective, especially our generation. [00:37:00] We are seeing. Hopefully for our kids pushed in the right direction where they can, you know, create media later where that is more [00:37:10] fluid and has more of this representation. So that is my hope, 

[00:37:13] Angeleaza: Yeah. No, absolutely. What do you think it will take to [00:37:20] progress the narrative that we would like to see this open, this accepting narrative in the media? Does it [00:37:30] take these stories being told with more nuance, with more care on a broad stage? A la heated rivalry, but [00:37:40] not heated rivalry.

[00:37:41] Angeleaza: I agree with you. Celebrities don't owe us anything. However, celebrities do have [00:37:50] some social capital and we as consumers of media often have such a strong parasocial [00:38:00] relationship with those celebrities that with that parasocial relationship, combined with that social capital, combined with just being [00:38:10] highly influential figures, what a person of influence a celebrity says or does, can make a difference [00:38:20] in the narrative, how it is continued to be progressed? 

[00:38:26] Alesia: Yeah. So I think with that, [00:38:30] and again, I feel like there's nuance to this, right? Because while celebrities do have, They have space, right?

[00:38:38] Alesia: Like there's no and or buts [00:38:40] about it. They have space to move progressive ideas forward. The people who are in power and where the money is, is always going to push their, their ideas [00:38:50] forward.

[00:38:50] Alesia: And so I think there's a few different things that we can do. One, put our money towards queer stories and promoting queer stories and buying the books and telling our [00:39:00] friends or buying the books for queer young adults, right? Obviously age appropriate books that are for them.

[00:39:05] Alesia: I saw someone in discussion today around queer books and they were at a [00:39:10] Barnes and Noble and they had heard two teens talking to each other about trying to find a queer book that didn't have a queer couple on the front so they could hide that [00:39:20] from their parents that they were trying to read representation that they identified with without letting their parent know. Some of the comments were like, oh my God, [00:39:30] yes, I totally would like download stories and then delete the covers just so my parents didn't know I was reading them.

[00:39:36] Alesia: And so I feel like there's multi things that we can [00:39:40] do to progress that; put our money where our mouth is, authors creating covers, and maybe just dropping things into books or [00:39:50] into content that normalizes this.

[00:39:53] Alesia: The majority of people, I truly believe are some fluid sexuality in some way. Whether that's they [00:40:00] have to be romantically interested in someone before they have sex all the way through to maybe not being interested in sex at all. Like, I think it was Keke Palmer just came [00:40:10] out as asexual recently.

[00:40:12] Alesia: That stuff helps, right? Like all these different things are moving us forward, but I do think on a political level, we also need reform there. And [00:40:20] I think that as long as the older generation is kind of controlling things, I don't think we're gonna see change, at least at that level. But I think there are things we can still do to push it [00:40:30] forward. 

[00:40:30] Angeleaza: Sure. 

[00:40:31] Alesia: But I have a lot of hope, honestly, for our kids, especially millennials who have kids. 

[00:40:39] Angeleaza: I agree. [00:40:40] I think millennials, more than any other generation that has come before have so many more resources. What with [00:40:50] the internet and social media and everything that comes with it, good and bad, but everything that comes with it and so much more, [00:41:00] hopefully media literacy and just in general internet and technological literacy to build the [00:41:10] skillset and develop the skillset to have these conversations, to push these [00:41:20] important narratives with our kids, our next generation.

[00:41:25] 

[00:41:28] Angeleaza: I do want to [00:41:30] do a little loopy. Do back to the top where you said you have five siblings or you're one of [00:41:40] five,

[00:41:40] Alesia: oldest of five.

[00:41:41] Angeleaza: oldest of five. Love, and they're all half siblings.

[00:41:45] Alesia: Yes.

[00:41:46] Angeleaza: Oh, wow. Were you raised with [00:41:50] your younger siblings? 

[00:41:52] Alesia: Yes, we were all raised together. My mom was Italian and Puerto Rican and was very like. [00:42:00] We never said we were half siblings. It was never like, you better shut your mouth. That's your brother, that's your sister. Like, it was never like that. 

[00:42:09] Angeleaza: [00:42:10] I have always referred to my older siblings as my siblings, but for the sake of nuance, I am saying my half brother, my half sister. But anyway, keep 

[00:42:19] Alesia: [00:42:20] right. Yes. Yeah. And then, um, on my dad's side, my dad is black and uh, he only has me.

[00:42:28] Alesia: And so that was [00:42:30] really interesting. Um, and my mom had me when she was like 16, so 

[00:42:35] Angeleaza: Okay.

[00:42:36] Alesia: not.

[00:42:37] Angeleaza: a whole other journey. Yeah.

[00:42:38] Alesia: Not great. [00:42:40] Um, but so she had me. And then, um, my younger brother is two years younger than me, and then he has [00:42:50] his own dad and I believe he has siblings other than um, us.

[00:42:55] Alesia: And then the bottom three, my sister, I have one sister, and then the other two [00:43:00] boys, um, are from the same dad. 

[00:43:02] Alesia: And I would say I knew my dad because I would see him very regularly and the younger three's dad the [00:43:10] most, um, and all of our dads are black or jamaican, so like darker skinned. But we have such a range of what we look [00:43:20] like, which is very 

[00:43:21] Angeleaza: so interesting. 

[00:43:22] Alesia: So like if you look at pictures of me when I was younger, I was in the sun a lot and I was a lot darker than 

[00:43:27] Alesia: I'm now just 'cause I'm like, I am inside and I don't wanna see [00:43:30] anybody. So we don't go outside much. We, we need to make sure we do though, 'cause vitamin D's important.

[00:43:34] Alesia: I've been trying to make myself go outside a little more. Uh, but then my brother younger than me, he [00:43:40] is probably the darkest of us. And then the, my sister is lighter than me with like cutest buttoned nose.[00:43:50] 

[00:43:50] Alesia: Lighter brown hair. I'm, my hair is fairly black. Uh, and then the brother under her is blonde curly hair. Like [00:44:00] your complexion? Yeah. Like, 

[00:44:01] Angeleaza: my gosh.

[00:44:02] Alesia: yes. It's, and then, but then looking at the brother under her and then the baby brother, [00:44:10] both full siblings, which is very interesting. He's blonde hair, like blondes in the sun. Very curly hair. Um, very white. And [00:44:20] then his younger full brother is darker than, uh, like very dark, dark brown hair.

[00:44:26] Alesia: Like definitely skews black, which is

[00:44:28] Angeleaza: Uh.

[00:44:29] Alesia: [00:44:30] So interesting. Which I think happens when you are mixed right. You're gonna have some variety. Sometimes you run out of toner, as they say. 

[00:44:39] Angeleaza: I, [00:44:40] I don't, I don't know because like I was the first, I don't think anybody was expecting those little blonde hair at the time. I had blue eyes until I was like five or six. But [00:44:50] blonde hair, blue eyed, little pale as can be thing to come out when I was born. But yeah. No, [00:45:00] that's so interesting. I am so fascinated by mixes.

[00:45:04] Angeleaza: Um, I was actually talking to a friend yesterday about the intricacies [00:45:10] of my family's mixes with different hair color, skin color, eye color between my younger siblings and I, and she's like, how does that happen? And I'm like, I have no [00:45:20] idea.

[00:45:20] Alesia: jeans right. 

[00:45:22] Angeleaza: Genetics are so interesting. How has that impacted your [00:45:30] shared experiences in the world with your siblings, both growing up and then also your individual experiences in the world as you guys are all, [00:45:40] I assume adults now living your own real lives, Uhhuh. 

[00:45:45] Alesia: Yeah. What I think is interesting is I've always n. [00:45:50] I've always identified as mixed, right? Like I've never identified as a black woman because I'm not, uh, fully, where I do know [00:46:00] mixed women who are a lot darker than I am who do identify as black women, which I think there's, again, nuance to that conversation.

[00:46:07] Angeleaza: That's very complicated 'cause I [00:46:10] do both. I, 

[00:46:10] Alesia: It's, 

[00:46:11] Angeleaza: identify as black, I identify as mixed. I identify as biracial. I identify as white.

[00:46:18] Alesia: yes, [00:46:20] I usually just say Afro-Latina and like keep it simple. 

[00:46:23] Angeleaza: get a word. 

[00:46:24] Alesia: Right people are usually like, oh, okay, got it. Right.

[00:46:28] Alesia: Like they can kind of pinpoint [00:46:30] it in their head. Um, which also doesn't help when you're like maybe applying for jobs or you have to fill out your identity in things. I usually just decline to answer [00:46:40] because the, it says two or more racists, but not Hispanic.

[00:46:43] Alesia: And I'm like. You literally left my entire identity out of here 'cause i'm all lot of these things.

[00:46:49] Alesia: [00:46:50] Um, and definitely two or more races and Hispanic. So like, I don't what you want from me, we're gonna decline to answer this one. Um, and so understanding that about myself [00:47:00] and my identity and then understanding the very different experiences of visiting my black side of my family and then visit visiting the Puerto Rican [00:47:10] side of my family and just very how, and how very different those family dynamics were. Um, it was like both my parents have passed at this point [00:47:20] and so like seeing my mom's funeral and like how the family reacted to that, seeing my dad's funeral and how the family reacted to that, right? Like it's just, there's so much different [00:47:30] that I kind of have to, um, not cherry pick, but kind of see what sits right and feels right for how I wanna show up in the world [00:47:40] moving forward,

[00:47:41] Alesia: while also understanding. That my siblings who are darker than me are going to be treated differently. [00:47:50] Right? And so like that was something that I always had to kind of come to terms with of. Okay. My younger brothers who are darker are going to get different treatment [00:48:00] than my younger brother who's white and blonde hair. Right.

[00:48:03] Alesia: And so, like understanding that at a very young age, um, was also interesting. And always getting [00:48:10] that question of like, what are you, and then now being married to a Italian Irish man who's very white, right? 

[00:48:18] Angeleaza: Yep. 

[00:48:19] Alesia: Um, and [00:48:20] then seeing our kiddos where like one has very straight, thick hair. So you kind of got like the. The nice thick hair from me, but then the straight hair [00:48:30] from his dad, and then the other one who has a little bit thinner, but like very curly hair. Right. And like, just seeing how they are very different. Um, they [00:48:40] look very similar, so they have the same dad.

[00:48:44] Alesia: Um, but like their complexions are slightly different too in that the older one, he [00:48:50] gets a lot darker in the summer than the younger one does, even though they're outside the same amount of time. So yeah, it's interesting, I've noticed that I haven't had [00:49:00] to necessarily have as many conversations with my kiddos because they are white passing. Um, and they will probably always identify as white and that like, there's [00:49:10] nothing wrong with that, that's just they are white, right? Like it's their grandpa who's black and like that's kind of filtered through at this point. 

[00:49:18] Alesia: Um. 

[00:49:18] Angeleaza: I think that's like a [00:49:20] Hailey Steinfeld sort of 

[00:49:21] Alesia: Right, exactly. And so it's like you kind of just gotta go from there. And then also understanding that with that comes [00:49:30] privilege. And so ensuring that they are taught here is your mom's identity, and here are the things that black people have to [00:49:40] endure and the things that black people have to go through. And that as someone who is white, this is your responsibility to ensure that there is equality, um, and [00:49:50] equity for all people. And here's why that's important. Here's the history of our country and the history of your people, right? Because even though it's filtered through it to them, [00:50:00] like that's still their heritage, that's still, something's passed down genetically to them.

[00:50:05] Alesia: So I think it's still important for them to learn it and to understand it and also recognize their [00:50:10] privilege in it. So yeah, there's, there's a lot to it.

[00:50:13] Angeleaza: I know it's such a complicated conversation. Do you ever wonder, um, [00:50:20] because so much of colorism is based in perception how other people perceive you, and so much of racism is based in, or all of racism really is [00:50:30] based in how other people perceive you.

[00:50:32] Angeleaza: Do you ever have. Those, I'm not gonna say fears, I feel like that's too strong of a word, but maybe [00:50:40] thoughts, maybe, maybe intrusive thoughts about what if my child is perceived to be this, but they [00:50:50] are unprepared for how to go about navigating that 

[00:50:56] Alesia: Yeah, I think at this [00:51:00] point I don't think they will ever be perceived as anything other than white, unless someone meets me. Right. 

[00:51:06] Angeleaza: saying that, that's lucky, but like it is, it's like [00:51:10] something less for you to worry about as a mom. But also something that doesn't have to be weighing on them in the same way. It couldn't weigh [00:51:20] on people. 

[00:51:21] Alesia: Yeah. And like recognizing that and like I've had discussions with my husband about that, especially in the world that we live in right now.

[00:51:29] Alesia: Um, [00:51:30] there are absolutely concerns for black women who have black children and the immense stress and the immense [00:51:40] weight that they have on them, uh, in raising black children right now.

[00:51:44] Alesia: And I, and even, you know, Hispanics who have, or those of Hispanic [00:51:50] descent who are raising Hispanic children right now. Um, it's terrifying. And I think I, I didn't choose, like, yes, I [00:52:00] chose to marry my husband, but like, this

[00:52:01] Alesia: is how my life kind of played out.

[00:52:03] Alesia: Um, and I am blessed that, uh, that is not something that I will have to stress about.

[00:52:09] Alesia: [00:52:10] And

[00:52:10] Alesia: because of that, I think I have that added, uh. Almost inclination to ensure that my kids do and are better, [00:52:20] right? That they

[00:52:21] Alesia: understand the plight of those around them that don't look like them, that don't have the same privilege of the privileges as them. Um, [00:52:30] which I think is my duty as someone who doesn't have that stress. Um, so yeah, it's, it's interesting. I think that, yeah, I don't think they'll ever be perceived that way. And I [00:52:40] think it's interesting too when like my husband would, he'll be working and I remember one time he told me that, 'cause he's told, yeah, my wife's [00:52:50] Afro-Latina and I called in to ask for him one time and they were like, your wife does not sound at all like I thought she would. And I'm like, and I wanna backhand [00:53:00] your face. How about that? 

[00:53:01] Angeleaza: Yeah. 

[00:53:02] Alesia: Like, like, it's annoying because like, this is just how I talk. This is just because of how I was raised, like my mom raised me. [00:53:10] So I tend to lean whiter in the way that I talk. Um. Which is, I can't control it. That's just how I was raised. Right.

[00:53:18] Alesia: So yeah, there's [00:53:20] just, there's so much an annoying things to it, but I don't think someone will look at my kids and think, oh, they are mixed. And so they might be like, there might be something in there with the older [00:53:30] one 

[00:53:30] Alesia: or getting a little darker in the summer, or having the curlier hair. Um, but for the most part, I think that, yeah, they won't, and they still have a [00:53:40] duty and I have a duty to ensure that they're making sure that other people are treated right. 'cause I want, I don't want this to be continued,

[00:53:49] Alesia: Right,

[00:53:49] Alesia: That [00:53:50] my brothers have to deal with this, that their kids have to deal with this. And if there's one small thing that I can do to make the world better, uh, by teaching my boys better, then [00:54:00] that's what I'm gonna do. 

[00:54:01] Angeleaza: right. And that leads me into my next question what have your experiences been with. The [00:54:10] world that we live in as an Afro-Latina woman. And what have your siblings experiences been for better or for worse? Where have you found [00:54:20] points of friction with your identity in this way, being a part of two worlds? 

[00:54:28] Alesia: Yeah, this is hard, [00:54:30] right? Because like we're just coming off of Black History month, um, and part of me feels, uh, I also have [00:54:40] like my dad's black, he's as black as I come, like, like,

[00:54:43] Alesia: I wanna be included in the black creators. I wanna be included in that part [00:54:50] of my heritage while also understanding that because I am lighter. I don't need to always take up space that could be used for [00:55:00] someone who is black, um, or black blacker presenting than myself. Um, and then also during Latinx history month, [00:55:10] like I'm half Hispanic, half Puerto Rican. I don't speak a liga Spanish because it was always like, 

[00:55:17] Angeleaza: so funny,

[00:55:18] Alesia: it is. And [00:55:20] like, so I put, uh, AF that I'm Afro Latino, like on my bookish account, I'll put that I'm Afro-Latina and I'll have the Puerto Rican flag there, um, to like show that representation. And I, [00:55:30] I want to embrace it more. Um, and so that's something I've kind of been exploring of like, what does it mean to be Puerto Rican myself, right?

[00:55:39] Alesia: And what [00:55:40] does that feel like? Um, and then also understanding that in the world that we live in right now, I have to also be careful, right? When I'm going [00:55:50] places by myself with my kids, that if I have the option to bring my husband along with me for white safety, then [00:56:00] sometimes I have to do that, um, which sucks.

[00:56:03] Alesia: And I hate that, right? Like I had a friend, she was like, oh, you should go to Charlotte. They're having this festival [00:56:10] thing. And I was like, ice is in Charlotte. I'm not going to Charlotte without my white husband.

[00:56:15] Angeleaza: Right.

[00:56:16] Alesia: And it's also my reality at this point, right. Which is really [00:56:20] annoying. Um, and then I, for my brothers who are darker at this point, um, from what I understand the one right under me, he is in the [00:56:30] military, so I think he's fine.

[00:56:33] Alesia: Um, I'm not too worried about him, honestly. He's in the Air Force and then the youngest one, he's a [00:56:40] roofer. And I do worry about him a lot. Uh, I know his boss, like they're friends of the family, and so I know his boss would. [00:56:50] 10 toes stand down for him and like he will protect him. And so I'm, I feel a little better about that. Uh, he's an Italian guy, um, so he's [00:57:00] white, and so there's at least that protection. Um, but also being worried, right?

[00:57:05] Alesia: Like, that's my baby brother. 

[00:57:07] Alesia: If something happens, I would be [00:57:10] very upset.

[00:57:11] Alesia: Um, so practically raised that kiddo. He's 10 years younger than me,

[00:57:15] Angeleaza: Yeah. Wow.

[00:57:17] Alesia: yeah, 

[00:57:18] Angeleaza: you 

[00:57:18] Alesia: uh, yeah, [00:57:20] 

[00:57:20] Angeleaza: other moments of racism in your life, like outside of what's currently happening, um, in terms of ICE and the [00:57:30] administration, et cetera? 

[00:57:31] Alesia: I would say, not that I've noticed. Quite honestly. Um, and I think this also is just 'cause I [00:57:40] don't care enough to notice how other people feel about me, which I think is a bit of the m um, because I can get so in my head of like, I'm gonna [00:57:50] do this thing, and if I don't get it, then it's, 'cause I, I was, it wasn't the time or, um, I, you know, whatever.

[00:57:55] Alesia: Like I feel like there are things in my head that go through my mind [00:58:00] before they denied me because of my race.

[00:58:03] Angeleaza: Sure.

[00:58:04] Alesia: Um, so that's typically how my brain works. Yes.

[00:58:08] Alesia: But very fortunate. [00:58:10] Um, and I've also had opportunities where I am, like, I've had discussions with people where I'm like. Like had [00:58:20] black people in my life where I wanted to better understand what their experiences are and they don't reflect my own. Um, and so I would say no that I haven't. [00:58:30] Uh, but I've also been very secluded for a lot of my 

[00:58:33] Angeleaza: were in a cult. No, no. That's so fortunate. And I'm [00:58:40] happy for you and I love that for you. But I also feel bad that you were in a cult. Like 

[00:58:44] Alesia: Right. 

[00:58:44] Angeleaza: of sucks, but I guess that's also a huge part of why you are who you are today. [00:58:50] So it's just your story at this point, 

[00:58:52] Alesia: Yeah. 

[00:58:53] Angeleaza: do you look at it with any resentment or regret, or do you just accept it [00:59:00] into being a part of the plot? 

[00:59:02] Alesia: I accept it mostly. Um, I think that what I, when I left, like was [00:59:10] fully out, um. I was like, I'm just living life. I'm going to my job. I'm going home, I'm going to the bar. I'm gonna hang out with my friends. I'm gonna go see some [00:59:20] movies. Like my, I was just living my life, right? And then when I became a parent, it was, I had severe postpartum [00:59:30] depression

[00:59:30] Angeleaza: Hmm.

[00:59:31] Alesia: And did a lot of inner work about the kind of parent that I wanted to be, about, the kind of mom that I wanted to be, especially being the [00:59:40] oldest to a mom who was an addict.

[00:59:42] Alesia: Um, and having to pre pretty much raise my younger siblings because of her addiction and kind of exploring [00:59:50] a lot of that. And I realized fairly quickly that there were things that I had to unlearn, and there were ideas. Like I remember the first time that a friend was like, Hey, do you wanna go to [01:00:00] yoga with me?

[01:00:00] Alesia: And I was like, yoga's, satanic. And I was like, whoa. Whose thought is that? Whose thought is that?

[01:00:08] Alesia: Like, [01:00:10] do I know? I had to approach so much with curiosity of like, I don't know if yoga is satanic, [01:00:20] let's explore that a little bit. Whether going to yoga or doing research or understanding it a little better. Um, and so I approach a lot of things with a lot of [01:00:30] curiosity, especially earlier in my, uh, becoming a parent. Um, a lot of that time, just especially because I was going through so much postpartum depression and was like, why am I [01:00:40] alive? Do I need to be alive? I don't know if I can stay alive. What's gonna keep me alive? 

[01:00:46] Alesia: Right? 

[01:00:46] Alesia: And like I had to do a lot of digging, um, for [01:00:50] understanding who I wanna be as a person. And I've grown so much since that moment. But I still have things where I'm like the fir and I tell [01:01:00] my kids this constantly. You are not responsible for your first thought. 

[01:01:03] Angeleaza: Right. 

[01:01:04] Alesia: That is just either your brain processing something or your brain trying to protect you from something, or your [01:01:10] brain telling you something that someone told you. 

[01:01:12] Alesia: It's up to us to pause and reflect and say, is this actually how I feel? Is this actually my thought? Is this actually true?

[01:01:19] Angeleaza: [01:01:20] Mm-hmm.

[01:01:20] Alesia: I don't know. Let's explore that. And so, yeah, it's been a lot of that. 

[01:01:25] Angeleaza: Yeah. No. Well, thank you so much for sharing all of that and for [01:01:30] sharing your whole identity as an Afra Latina woman who grew up in a cult who is [01:01:40] aromantic and bisexual, married to a man.

[01:01:45] Angeleaza: Wow. What an identity. I love it.

[01:01:47] 

[01:01:50] When I grow up, I.

[01:01:57] Angeleaza: So, last segment, I [01:02:00] have a question for you, Alesia. When you were a kid, what did you wanna be when you grew up?

[01:02:06] Alesia: a pediatrician.

[01:02:08] Angeleaza: Wow. Why? [01:02:10] That's so noble. Wow. Tell me more. 

[01:02:13] Alesia: Oh man. Honestly, I think it's his oldest daughter syndrome, quite frankly, of like, I have to [01:02:20] protect everybody and I have to take care of everybody and I have to make sure everybody is doing great. Um, and I had a really cool pediatrician. Like the, I remember the pediatrician we went to [01:02:30] when I was younger was super cool and we'd get stickers and candy afterwards, right. So like, awesome 

[01:02:35] Angeleaza: Love that.

[01:02:36] Alesia: Um, and so that was kind of like my thing. Um, [01:02:40] and that's what I wanted to be 

[01:02:41] Alesia: when I grew up. 

[01:02:42] Angeleaza: so sweet. Wow. I love that. And yeah, you know what's so interesting, we have had [01:02:50] so many oldest daughters on this podcast for stories and related them back to, well, it might be because I was an oldest daughter. [01:03:00] That's so interesting as an raised as oldest daughter myself.

[01:03:05] Angeleaza: Then everybody wants to take care of people which I don't know if that's [01:03:10] oldest daughter syndrome, but maybe oldest daughter solution.

[01:03:13] Alesia: Yeah, I have. I have lots of feelings and thoughts on the topic, quite

[01:03:18] Angeleaza: That's another [01:03:20] episode too.

[01:03:20] Alesia: Yes,

[01:03:22] Angeleaza: Well, thank you so much for your time, Alesia. Thank you so much for joining me today to talk about all of this, [01:03:30] the most noble growing up profession I've ever known, as well as, oh my gosh, so many different facets of your identity and there's so much more to say.

[01:03:39] Alesia: I know. [01:03:40] Well, thank you so, much for having me. This was so much fun to explore this with you. 

[01:03:45] Angeleaza: this with you. Thank you. Every time I have a guest on the show, I feel like as [01:03:50] I ask questions, as I think more about what you're saying, I'm also asking myself these questions. So kind of therapeutic

[01:03:59] Alesia: That's the [01:04:00] beauty of podcasting. 

[01:04:00] What are You is a one-woman production by me, angel Liza. [01:04:10] Our theme song is Picking Our Dreams by Hector Seria. If you enjoyed today's episode, please follow us on Instagram at What Are You Pod and subscribe [01:04:20] wherever you get your podcasts. Questions. Wanna be on the show, email at [email protected].

[01:04:28] Thanks for [01:04:30] listening.

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